Horoscope

For those who are lucky enough to believe in the daily ritual of living life by the stars, here’s a few guidelines to keep you entertained for your monthly horoscope. My advice on the daily column, after you have taken all that you can from your own star sign, rotate each sign liberally, redirect your life, and read on. You are bound to get something out of it.

January
This month you are feeling the strain of the New Year. Bear in mind you have just spent a fortune on Chistmas gifts for people you don’t like for things they will never use and in turn you now have seven new serving platters. Cheer up pet, you have eleven more months to pay off that credit card.

February
Love is in the air and you are bound to find the right one; that is, Mr or Ms Right – right now. Don’t be sheepish, try that romp in the park or that sprint along the beach after you have nicked off with someone’s bathers after you have caught them skinny dipping at the beach. Afterall, it’s the end of summer; let the good times roll.

March
This month brings a lot of joy to those who are born in this month. You will gain a small fortune as your monthly pay check comes in but don’t spend it all at once, your next fortune is four weeks away. Curb your spending as Easter approaches as you will need more chocolate than ever before to get through those supermarket isles without impulse buying the latest gimmick.

April
Hardship is upon you this month as you realise that your holidays are well and truly gone and you have another eight months until the next lot. Start planning, you can never get too much information on that cruise in the carribean with that loved one you met only last week; to only find out the day before your departure they are a bi-sexual drag queen imposing as a virgin who wants a free holiday. What will your aunt Fifi say?

May
This month is a celebration for mother’s. Be nice to your mum as she is the one who brought life to your very soul and blood to your veins. She may be having separation anxiety as she wishes she took the ‘blue pill’ and spent the rest of her young life chasing rich men around in the sports car she always wanted. Be supportive, she will soon realise that you might one day kick the habit, take back your own children from her care, and get a real job. Let’s face it, cleaning car windows at the traffic lights may not look so great on your resume.

June
This month is a milestone for you. You will come to realise that you are nearly half way through the year and that tax time is near. Don’t be hasty. Don’t forget that the long weekend awaits you and the prospect of finding a replacement for your carribean holiday is closer than you think. Pay close attention to people who hold the door for you, smile at you in the street or honk your horn at you from road rage. They all have potential.

July
After realising that the first half of the year has been spent chasing your own reflection, drinking too much and gaining an extra six kilos you decide to take matters into your own hands and join a gym. You come to realise that this is the place of mysterious junkies, forbidden secrets and hidden talents. Avoid the showers after 6pm, you don’t want another repeat of that nasty rash.

August
Don’t bother getting out of bed month, there is nothing good for you out there. You have seen the light with Oprah and if you can’t find the antedote in a soppy book club special, Dr Phil will be the answer to your prayers.

September
Shock will be upon you this month as you walk the shopping isles; they have already started the commercial pre-amble of Christmas. Don’t be swayed by the hydro-hyper-energy-saving-neon-light-globe-trotting-latest-bargain-from-the-U.S. Christmas tree; the pot plant you keep forgetting to water will be perfect with an angel on top. Just remember to empty all the cigarette butts before placing on the dinner table.

October
This is a special time for Octobians. Why you ask? Because there is more cake than you can poke a stick at and that guy from down the hall in number thirty two coughed in your direction in the elevator this morning. Things are looking up. Ensure you wear those tight pants every Wednesday. It wouldn’t hurt to drop your keys in front of him every now and then. Clumsy girls are fair game.

November
You will be feeling light headed this month. Being the middle of spring you will find it hard to breathe. Hayfever will take a hold of you but don’t let that snotty nose and those blotchy eyes stop you from going after that special someone. You are gorgeous; especially when you have a tissue shoved up one nostril.

December
This is the time to reflect and ensure that your New Year’s resolution does not involve: anything that you have to give up; work hard for; be better at; wish for more than ever; walk an extra 10km for; or some guy called Bubba. Be happy you made it this far. There is a whole new twelve months waiting for you just around the corner. Who knows, you may even get laid for New Year’s.

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